The purpose of guilt

I've been coaching quite a bit on guilt lately.  While guilt can be a useful emotion in some situations, getting "stuck" there, wallowing in guilt is the opposite of helpful.

Here is the definition of guilt that I use:  Guilt is a "warning bell" that two things we value may be in conflict with each other.  It is designed to alert us to the situation.  After we have become aware, evaluated the situation, and made a conscious decision, then it is appropriate to turn off the alarm.

Let me illustrate.  Maybe I eat a donut, then feel guilty about it.  My alarm is going off.  I believe in eating healthy, but donuts taste so good! Two things I value are in conflict.  That guilt helps me become aware of that.  Then I get to choose which I value more.  Maybe I choose healthy eating.  Maybe I choose donuts.  Either way, I get to make a conscious choice, then turn off the alarm.  Feeling guilty about what has already passed is no longer serving any purpose.

I remember being a young mom and feeling guilty about leaving my kids with a babysitter while I went to the gym.  My "guilt alarm" went off.  That alarm was telling me that I needed to take a closer look.  I valued being there with my children, and being the one to fill their needs.  I also valued taking care of myself physically.  My subconscious brain was worried that I couldn't do both at the same time, and that I may be choosing the wrong one.  But as I took a close look at what was happening, I decided that those two things were not necessarily in conflict.  Leaving my kids for an hour three times a week did not mean I wasn't "being there for my children, or filling their needs."  I decided that I was making a good decision, and I chose to TURN OFF THE ALARM.

Sometimes our brains try to tell us that if we stop feeling guilty, we are excusing our own bad behavior.  This is not necessarily true.  Let's say I lose my patience and yell at my children.  I feel guilty.  The alarm tells me I need to take a closer look.  I value speaking kindly to my children, but I also really wanted them to do what I asked.  I "chose" in that moment to yell in order to get them to obey. When I take a closer look, I decide that I actually place a higher value on speaking kindly than I do on making them do what I want.  My actions, in this case, were not aligned with my values.  I am grateful that the guilt alarm alerted me to that situation.  I make a plan of how I will behave next time without yelling.  And then I turn off the alarm.  The guilt served its purpose.

Imagine if your kitchen timer went off, so you took the cookies out of the oven, but then left the timer on to keep beeping.  You might go crazy with the non-stop beeping!  Either that, or learn to desensitize yourself so that you could tune it out.  Neither is a good option when it comes to guilt.  We want that alarm to go off occasionally, to focus our attention and help us choose wisely.  Sometimes it will motivate us to change our beliefs or behavior.  Sometimes it may confirm the choice we already made.  Either way... once the appropriate adjustment is made, we are allowed to turn off the alarm.

Try using guilt as the tool, the "alarm" it was intended to be, and then when it has served its purpose, I invite you to turn it off.  Then enjoy the "silence."

Christi



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