Mirroring



From such an early age, our children are watching us to see how they should feel about things.  An infant will respond to a smile with a sweet smile of their own.  A toddler who falls down will often wait to see how the parent reacts before they decide if they should laugh or cry.  It's a normal human behavior called mirroring.

Even as adults we tend to mirror each other's emotions.  When I'm talking with a friend who gets teary, my eyes usually fill up as well.  When my husband comes home in a great mood, it's easy for me to "catch" the mood and have a great evening.

But what happens when the people around us are experiencing negative emotion?  Maybe the 3 year old refuses to cooperate and tells you repeatedly that she hates you.  Maybe the 13 year old comes home after a rough day at school, slamming things around and yelling at everyone in sight.  Maybe the husband got stuck in traffic, and walks in the door bringing the stress with him.

If we aren't consciously choosing how we want to respond to these situations, our "default" human settings will kick in, and we will probably mirror back these negative behaviors.  We may lose patience quickly with the toddler, yell right back at the teenager, or throw a little tantrum in our head about our husband's behavior.  We get mad at them for being mad, or stressed about them being stressed.

Obviously, mirroring negative behavior or emotion will never improve the situation.  And even worse, it keeps us in a position of dependence on other people.  If I have to feel stress every time my husband feels stress, I have given away my power to him.  If I get mad at my teenager for being mad, then I have given some of my power to a teenager.  If I need my toddler to behave "nicely" for me to feel calm and patient, I'm in real trouble!!

Just because mirroring is normal human behavior, doesn't mean it is the only option.   Once we become aware of when we are mirroring negative emotion, we are in a position to choose something different.  How do you want to feel when your husband comes home stressed?  How do you want to feel when your teenager is raving like a madman ;) or when your toddler is throwing a tantrum?

I'm writing about this today because it is something I'm getting lots of occasions to practice right now!  I'm working hard on my thoughts so that my mood is not dependent on anyone else's mood.  The thought I keep choosing is "Thirteen is a rough age.  For all of us."  It helps me feel some compassion for the child who is obviously struggling, and reminds me that it is temporary.  This stage will pass.

Next time you find yourself thinking your bad mood is someone else's fault, take a step back and observe a little more closely.  Are you mirroring someone else's negative emotion?  Is that something you want to keep doing?  If not, you can make a different choice.  Choose a thought that will give you back your power, and create a happier life for you.

Something to think about.


Christi


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